Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
