I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
