i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
