I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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