Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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