I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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