I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
