Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
