Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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