The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
