I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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