you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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