Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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