She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
