When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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