"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
