i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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