so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
