If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
