Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
