Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
