Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
