I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
