Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The air was thick with penises
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize