I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
