I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
