I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
