i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
