So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
