she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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