I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
