My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
