My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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