he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
