You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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