im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
