I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
