a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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