we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
