i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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