I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
