If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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