Can i not drive my cunt home
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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