I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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