Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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