Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
