i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
