When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
