I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I love you.
Bad choice
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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