my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
