Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
