I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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