Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
