A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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