hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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